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Reflecting On My Relationship With Fanfiction (and Fandom)

So in my attempt to get through my current bout of depression symptoms, something me and my therapist have been doing a lot lately is trying to get down to the nitty gritty of my "toxic" (her words, not mine) relationship with fanfiction (or fandom in general).

My conclusion so far is it stems from two things:

1. Not wanting to let people down
2. Not wanting to lose the interaction

With number one, which I believe is the greater of the two, I'm afraid of letting people down. And that includes myself. I have all of these ideas I'm excited about internally. Like, more than just because other people have expressed interest, I'M interested. Like I really want to keep adding to my Lucky Thirteen verse, write the wedding sequel, etc. I really have so many fleshed out ideas for my Monsters and Mutants series and am genuinely excited to bring them out of my head where they've been since I first started writing it (e.g. I have the general plot for Bruce and Raven coming into Tony and Charles' life, I have the general ideas of how Tony and Bruce get together after that, I have lofty ideas of how The Avengers could be reworked with Charles and Raven in the mix, I even have lofty ideas of how elements of IM2 and IM3 could be done in this verse, etc.). I genuinely want to finish Mr. and Mr. Stark because even though the middle is killing me a little bit (mostly the transitional stuff), there are so many trope-filled plot points and snippets I've already got planned through to the end that I want to see come to fruition. And I've got other things that have been left hanging I'd like to finish, say nothing of the millions of ideas still in my head that I refuse to put to metaphorical paper for fear of not finishing those either.

The point is, it's not only others that I'm letting down (if I'm letting them down at all, which could be presumptuous) when I don't finish these things. I feel a sense of loss when I abandon things. I feel a sense of failure too. I don't want to be that annoying person with a million works in progress that someone stumbles on and starts only to realize later it was never finished, or that someone keeps hoping will update, but it never does. I've been the reader in both of those scenarios and I know it's not fun (and I know some people won't even read something if it's not marked complete, which is perfectly understandable). But as my therapist and I were discussing this, a point was made that unfortunately such is the inevitable nature of this kind of creative outlet.

Essentially, the toxicity potentially comes from the fact that I have a hard time with accepting the fleeting nature of fandom/fanfiction - the way I struggle with letting go of things/nostalgia/etc. I get stuck in periods of time. Or I get stuck reminiscing past things until I depress myself more. I tend to latch on with a death grip for fear of losing things. Fanfiction being something where people come and go, and similarly fandom in general, it's basically touching that raw nerve I have that I've never dealt with, creating a toxic relationship with my writing. I'm afraid of being a person that moves on, but I also am faced with the alarming (and realistic) prospect on a regular basis that at some point I may not have a choice for some reason or another (and again, this extends to a lot of real life situations too; it's a general character flaw that I have). As we were discussing it, my therapist asked me: Realistically, do/can you see yourself still writing these stories ten years from now? When I couldn't answer yes firmly, she continued with something along the lines of: Well, then when do you stop? That was a very hard moment for me because it cut to the quick of my issue.

When do I stop?

Immediately my thoughts were flooded by all of the unfinished stories and ideas, like the ones I mentioned above. Trembling I could only think, I can't. Not yet. I can't stop yet and... I don't know when.

And it was that moment that started to help deconstruct the issue. I have all of these ideas and things I'm excited for, but I also can't seem to write them (because of lack of time, lack of energy, lack of creativity, etc. from real life factors/my depression/etc.). So what happens, in theory, if I never manage it? Will I go on stressing? And if I'm stressing this hard now because I can't manage it, is it because I'm afraid now is the inevitable moment of moving on or is it because I feel chained to my fanfiction like I do my job? Has it gone from hobby for my good to unpaid hobby that I feel compelled to keep up with? So on. So forth. I don't really have answers to any of these questions at the moment, but there is something to it. I mean, if I don't see myself writing fanfiction in ten years (and who knows why I think that at all, tbh, so that's another layer) then logically at some point I do have to 'walk away' so to speak. So maybe it's time I acknowledge that? But, again, I don't want to acknowledge it because it strangely terrifies me. I don't want to ever walk away with things unfinished (although I have in the past when I wrote fanfiction, so maybe some of this is leftover baggage from that), stories I do genuinely care about and want to add to left hanging in the balance, readers left wondering, and myself feeling like I've abandoned a child/failed again/etc. (So maybe the toxic part is more of a creator's struggle/passion deal? idk.)

Then there's number two. Part of the reason I even engage in fandom/fanfiction in the first place is because I want to connect with other people. I've said it before, I'll say it again. In my everyday physical life I have zero friends. I work with people, but they aren't my friends. I have family, but our relationship is harried. I've had friends in the past and they've walked away from me. I have a very big problem with both isolation and abandonment. I latch on because in my experience, I'm not the kind of person people want to get to know or keep around. Yes, some of it is probably magnified by my issues and yes some of it is probably because I need to make more of an effort. But often even when I actively try people either get tired of me, don't warm up to me, act like they're only politely tolerating me, etc. I'm just an acquaintance at best. In the past when I was a friend, I was only that. I was a friend, maybe a good friend, but never the best friend (maybe save one occasion). And I don't mean that in the shallow "everyone needs a best friend!" and "you can only have one best friend!" way, simply I had friends/good friends who would actively call other people their best friends to my face or even if I felt like they were my closest friend it didn't feel very mutual because there'd always be someone else they would spend time with more than me whenever given the first chance. I felt easily disposable. I was the red shirt friend.

So, even when I dread getting negative feedback, I also often get an unhealthy buzz from interacting with people who read/comment on my stories. With the Marvel fandom, this is especially true because I felt really weird in the general fandom. Like I didn't belong. Everyone is just way more outgoing than me. They're more secure or thicker skinned (or seem to be) than me. More vocal about things than me. Definitely way way way kinkier than me (fandom in general I guess, but MCU - maybe Bruce/Tony more specifically since I only dabble in some of the other pairings/gen stuff - was the first where I just felt like every other fic was really kink-based or would devolve into kink stuff idk). And most of all SO MUCH angstier than me (which is hilarious because I whine/angst about things but keep it out of my fics). Just, I didn't feel like I fit in and even when people were/are nice, it just makes me feel uncomfortable because of my real life associations with people who are just putting up with me, secretly side-eyeing me or whatever (that and I never really had a lot of vocal input since I didn't relate to anything). Anyways, tl;dr, because I felt like I couldn't really interact a lot in the general fandom, and since I can't art, that left fanfiction. I felt like by putting out content and then interacting with people based on it, I was able to control the narrative at least a little bit in a way that made me feel mostly safe while allowing me to connect with similar people.

The problem is that if I stop creating content, I lose that interaction - interaction I genuinely look forward to regardless of if it's healthy/right. Likewise, I admitted to my therapist that one of the reasons I feel so stressed about updating, putting out new content, etc. is probably because of my awareness of the fleeting nature of fandom/fanfiction, even if subconsciously before this point. It's not that I'm afraid of not being relevant, so to speak, I'm afraid of other people moving on. Because fan interests can have such a short shelf life, and since real life is a thing, people who were commenting on your fics regularly can up and disappear (this applies to online interaction in general across all scopes), and it's a real hole that can be felt. I may be more sensitive to this because of my real life experiences, again going back to abandonment. So part of me is like always dreading that moment and trying to hold on as long as I can. I don't feel that this is as big of an issue as number 1 though since I've gone through it so much that I acknowledge it more easily.

So at the end of the day and all of this, I still feel confused. I still don't know what the future holds. I don't know if I won't look back with regret at some point. I don't know if I'll ever finish some things. I don't know if it's all toxic or if I'm the one that's making it toxic.
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DreamWidth Account

After doing some soul-searching about the LJ issue, and with the recent news about the gay torture, I have decided to create a DW and import there. I will probably cross-post and since I already accepted the TOS I'll still check over here and all that stuff, but I just don't know I feel comfortable at the moment giving LJ my full support.

I am starkandbanner over there too. 

(no subject)

So I guess everyone's freaking out about the new TOS that confirms everything about LJ is now Russian-based. I don't know how to feel about it since I have rarely used this platform since nixing my original account that I held for several years, a handful of years back. I see the pros in those saying let's not overreact and I see the cons that many of the ones promoting an exodus from LJ are giving.

I'm really not here to post about that though. As long as I had to agree to the TOS just to access my own account (which that alone makes me side-eye the hardest because it's my information and I should have the right to access my information in order to back it up or delete it) I might as well make a quick post.

First, a little venting of my frustration about Depression. And that's perception, not only others' but my own as well. Because of my tendency to do nothing by halves, my tendency toward hyperemotional states, I don't trust myself. I don't trust my emotions or how I feel. So I cry and say things like, "I can't go on" but then I tell myself it's not that bad, it could be worse (and this is a true statement), and try to move forward in spite of my feelings of despondency, isolation, insecurity, anxiety and whatever else I'm dealing with at any given time.

But then some days, like today and several other days over the past couple months, I will be at work and very aware that I'm underperforming. I'm not performing to my standards, say nothing of what my boss might expect (which adds another level of anxiety) and things that I know how to do and do well suddenly feel like chores. I have to force myself to do them and I find myself making more mistakes than I ought. I can barely focus and often I can barely keep my eyes open because I'm. just. so. tired. And, naturally, I just really want to be at home. It's one thing to underperform at home and another to do so at work.

Unfortunately, life requires that I work. I don't have the security not to. I don't have the means to pay the bills without work. I have to have my job just to keep the scant insurance coverage I get. I don't even have the money or insurance to practically get all of the medical help that I need. And I don't have anyone in my life who could practically support me if I were to let my job become a casualty of my depression (I was out of work for several years and I don't want to go through that again if only because of the lowkey guilt trips I had to endure from relatives). So I keep working, trying, crying in the bathroom and then going back out there and trying some more. All the while it feels like my best efforts are diminishing with each passing day.

Which brings me back to my point of perception. My current perception is that my Depression is debilitating, or on its way, and I need somebody in my life to understand that - validate it - and I need to figure out how to get things back to at least higher-functioning, but I'm stuck with the oxymoron that figuring out how to get things back on track is itself a challenge that compounds the problem. I can't realistically just take time off work, nor are there any "magic" pills or techniques that I've yet found to take the edge off (at least not fast enough, or without sometimes making it worse before I get better), and a few other things I've given great thought to could potentially help are also not within my means at this present time.

But is my Depression actually debilitating? When I think harder about it, try to be objective, I always say no (even if I'm wrong). My body hasn't given out on me yet. I still wake up. I still get on the hamster wheel and run. I might not run very fast, but I still run. I might hate it, cry about it, want to scream, want to get off the wheel, but I still get on and run. So my perception is that it's debilitating, but it must not be anything more than just my perception aka I don't trust myself. I might not enjoy anything at all anymore. I might feel like life is literally futile because I can't find a connection with words when I write anymore, I can't find the joy in bringing the stories in my head to life anymore, I can't find cathartisis in making my favorite characters happy in situations that might be ridiculous (or not well-written) but make me feel better if only for a few moments, etc. I've already lost so many of my interests to a feeling of "what's the point" and lack of connection (e.g. favorite movies, shows, running, socializing, etc.) and now it seems like writing is on the front line. But I'm still alive and still doing things so that makes all the difference right? (Rhetorical.)

Then comes other peoples' perceptions and where the frustration grows even deeper. Because I'm still alive and still doing things, other people would never perceive my Depression as a very serious problem in my life if they even perceive it at all! And I know for a fact that most people don't notice it until I allow myself an open display of my sickness or mention it. They go "What?" Or they might notice I seem a bit off and once in a blue moon ask me about it. But for the most part people just don't get it. They see somebody who comes to work and is fine. Or when they do find out, it surprises them. Because I smile and laugh and try then I couldn't possibly be very bad off. Which exacerbates my feelings of self-mistrust. Either they're right and can objectively see what I can't (that I'm not as bad as it feels because I'm able to force myself to try) or I'm a fantastic actress (whether I should be or not). Or maybe it's some combination of the two. I just don't know.

I only know that today is one of those days I've consistently had thoughts such as lying down on the job and letting everyone know in flashing neon lights I'M NOT OKAY. But because I haven't yet and have found some modicum of self-discipline so probably won't, it makes me angry that I have to go on convincing myself and others that I'm okay - because maybe at the end of the day I still am even if it would be nice to be more okay. I just don't know.

Writing When Depressed, Fandom When Lonely

I could probably do an entire series of vents about how the struggle of writing when faced with some issue or another. But seeing as I'm really fighting my depression right now - and feeling lonely on top of it - that's what I feel the need to just vent a little about.

I've dealt with depression since my teenage years and for as long as I can remember being a writer it has had an effect on me. On numerous occasions my depression has caused me to:

  1. Withdraw, and it makes no distinction between real life and fandom life.

  2. Lose interest - actually its more like losing the energy it takes to take an active interest in the things I like thus while I may want to write something super badly each and every word is like pulling teeth or it's hard to find the time when you just want to sleep all the hours you're not already committed to being a responsible, functioning human being (and even the quality of life on that end is usually lacking for me)

  3. Get easily frustrated with fandom and/or what I'm writing (fandom works or original) so that it makes it seem like too much of a hassle to continue or I genuinely just don't enjoy it because I'm so focused on what bothers me as opposed to searching out the things that don't

  4. Abandon things

And of course all of that compounds the negative feelings that already exist when one is depressed. Since obviously it's miserable to watch the things you enjoy slip away or to think about all the things you want to finish but are afraid you won't (say nothing of disappointing others; not that that's not part of it, but it's just as much about disappointing myself because I'm just as invested if not more so).

That's where I've been for the past couple of months. Although I've made myself post stuff, the feeling is still there and it feels like it's just been getting progressively worse. I wish I could just make it stop, but obviously wishing is of no help in making it go away so I'm stuck writing even when it takes every last ounce from me (I'm stuck doing a lot of things when it takes every last ounce from me, if I'm being honest). I'm stuck trying to remind myself on a regular basis that I want to finish this, or I really do like this idea and want to see where it goes dammit, etc.

Then there's the feelings of loneliness. I don't always get these feelings, but sometimes they rear their head when I'm really low. When it comes to writing or fandom it often manifests in feeling like while I contribute to my favorite fandoms I'm not an active participant. I don't know how that makes sense, but best I can explain it is when you see people on Tumblr or Deviantart or even here on LJ reading each others stuff and making cute art for one another or cheerleading each other or just talking about their ideas back and forth and forming what seems like internet friendships. Like when you see a fic and in the author notes the person is like "I want to thank a, b, c, and d for getting me through this part and this part and for creating this for me or for doing such and such for me." I haven't been that far into fandom in a long time... so far in that I actually actively converse with people and talk about our ideas with them or beta for/have betas or create stuff in general with...

But even then most of my time spent in fandom (and hell even growing up with irl friends) I've probably at least 98% of the time been the giver and very very very rarely the receiver. I have a million and one theories as to why this may be, and a lot of those theories place the blame roughly in my court, but it doesn't stop the longing I often get when I'm depressed plus lonely like this for people who would just random gift me with something or you know, just actually want to talk to me about what I'm into (like how people go into each others inboxes and share cute little drabbles or story ideas or 'I was just thinking about such and such' type stuff). I so often feel like nobody (not saying this is true, just that it's so infrequent that it feels that way) ever ever goes out of their way to just want me to be okay and to take care of me (in real life included with people who are supposed to be there for me, but only seem to want me to be there for them) and I know that this is 100% the reason why I have such a thing for receiving!Bruce or fics featuring some kind of Bruce!whump where this character who is physically capable of becoming the strongest there is gets taken care of and paid attention to because he damn well deserves it even if he never asks for it (and yes maybe I have some of the same prickly standoffish tendencies he does and in real life people don't act the way those fics idealize Tony/others).

But speaking of standoffish tendencies, this really is the crux of the issue. I don't go deep into fandom and seek out those relationships anymore that could possibly lead to that sort of thing because, well, I've just been hurt too many times and the trade off doesn't feel worth it no matter what my feelings tell me during my low points. So just because I feel this extreme loneliness right now or longing for that kind of thing doesn't mean I actually WANT to go looking for that - in fandom or in real life. And I know that I'm not in any position to be looking for that right now anyhow. Becuase just because I want to have friendships and ideally ones where I receive things too, I don't expect to never give in return and I worry that I just don't have a lot of myself to give right now. Relationships, even on the internet, take work and time and energy and understanding and so on. I just don't know if I can do that.

(I think the moral of the story is all of my fandom life problems would be solved if I could just draw myself stuff or just wrote whatever the hell I feel like at any time as gifts to me instead of worrying about works in progress, self-imposed deadlines, what others will think of where my stories are going/doing, etc. lol.)

Also, this was all to whine and vent and get some of the feelings off my chest. To be a little petulant and immature. Becuase when I write them out I'm usually like: Well, gee, self, is this what's got you bent out of shape? Really? Don't you see how silly this sounds when you put it all out there? Calm down a bit. It's not that dramatic.

Which is why I don't plan on publishing it anywhere more public like my Tumblr- I don't want to risk pity responses that would make me feel gross like I'm just whining to get something. I'm not. I literally don't ever expect anything. Ever. The majority of my feelings of "I deserve good things" usually end up getting projected onto characters I identify with or even channeled through friends by give-give-giving so they don't have to struggle with what I do. So maybe I wouldn't even know how to receive even if it's what I crave. But I'll stop this conversation before it starts to derail down another rabbit hole. The point is, and maybe it's unhealthy and part of the problem, I might want things (for myself from myself and from others), but I do not feel any sense of entitlement to them. On the contrary I usually don't feel entitled to the space I occupy a good amount of time, but that's another story. (and, sigh, no self not another reason for you to try and write that teen au with Bruce suffering from body dysmorphic disorder or that other au idea of Bruce suffering from factitious disorder good grief just stop brain you don't have to have a million ideas, just go to sleep a bit.)

AO3 Update as of 9/26/16

It's been a little overa month since my last update. A run down of accomplishments since then for my own encouragement:

1. Forged With Blood, Forged With Fire gave me hell, but it's finished! And I'm still in awe of the feedback on it.

2. Updated Mr. & Mr. Stark! (Extremely sad about Brangelina right now though.)

3. Added an entry to the Lucky Thirteen series, a ficlet that's been in the works for a couple of months.

4. Challenge completed! Since my last update I've managed to do my friend's write, don't worry, publish challenge and it ended up being my "a High School Musical inspired AU that maybe some weird people like me would want" idea.

5. Updated Arrhythmia!

Now I just have 13 comments in my inbox to get to...

Now for what I'm working on, goals, and ideas.

  • Arrhythmia - THEY KISSED THEY FINALLY KISSED! Okay that's my joking, immature way of saying that I finally got over the hurdle of writing the scene that would sort of define the dynamic of Bruce and Tony's relationship from that point of the story until the climax, and then of course also effect the resolution. Now I feel like I can breathe easy for a little bit and move on to the next major development issues leading up to the climax and resolution. Since I've been writing a lot on this one and making it my priority my hope is to have it finished by the end of October. I'd like to have it done before the start of the holiday season since goodness knows that's where all of my attention goes in terms of writing.

  • I've written some of the next chapter of Mr. & Mr. Stark and while I may update it one more time before the end of this month or the start of next month, it may just as easily be on the back burner while I focus on Arrhythmia.

  • I'm shooting for a major installment to Lucky Thirteen on the one year anniversary so that gives me about a month and a half.

  • I'm shooting for wrapping up the Bear Banner-Stark series in October.

  • With Halloween coming it's a pipe dream type goal to have a 10,000ish word Just Like Heaven inspired AU finished. (It's sitting at about 2000 words at the moment).

  • I have a few dadficlet ideas including one with them taking their kids shopping for costumes, one with them dealing with a teenager, one with the other Avengers de-aged literally because I haven't played with that trope yet.

  • And last but not least, in addition to all of the other ideas dancing in my head at all times, I am going to get back to S for Stark, Not Santa since holidays are coming and I don't want to rush when they do.

BUT that leads me to an off topic point regarding how pop culture can effect fanfiction. I'm not writing that fic in succession so some later stuff has already been written. At one point in S For Stark there is a scene in which Tony is speaking to Charles at a food court while he's there Christmas shopping with his family. Here's an exceprt of that scene:

"Charles, thank goodness I found you," Tony says when he comes up to the telepath at a table amidst a loud food court. "I know you're on vacation for the rest of the year, but—"

Charles holds up a finger and turns around quickly in his chair. Tony scrunches his face and follows the man's gaze to see a young boy and girl pulling a toy back and forth as they stand in a long food line. Charles moves that finger to his temple and the older redhead standing right in front of them turns to look at him and then down to the boy and girl. She clearly chastises them and then takes the toy from them before pointing at Charles. The kids come over with slumped shoulders.

Charles chuckles. "Sorry, darlings," he says as they both plop down into empty chairs. "But you weren't behaving like you promised."

"He started it," the girl says petulantly.

"Did not!"

"Ah, now, none of that. I need to speak with Mr. Stark." Charles looks back at him then. The kids look up at him as well and when Tony smiles at them their eyes widen and they glance at each other before sitting as straight as possible. Charles chuckles. "Well, then. Maybe we should invite you to move in with us. We have plenty of empty rooms, you know."

"You won't if you and Angelina still plan on adopting every kid between here and Westchester," Tony says with a shake of his head, still smiling.

"Actually I'm Angelina, thank you very much," Charles clips as if it's a matter in need of clarification.
So what does one do when you make a pop culture reference in piece that has yet to be published that becomes irrelevant before it's published? Especialy in a sensitive case like this where the reference is a real life couple now going through real life drama where the kids may have actually been in danger? Obviously it's a rhetorical question as sensibly speaking, one just deletes and reworks it. It's obviously not a necessary joke. But I think the interesting thing about it and why I'm discussing it at all is how pop culture effects writing in general. Obviously we can't ignore pop culture altogether so the argument that good stories, films, etc. don't contain pop culture references is ridiculous. On the other hand if we rely a lot on pop culture do we run the risk of dating things and making the work seem irrelevant? And especially when an author no matter the medium is working on something and culture changes faster than publication/release, is it risky to use many pop culture references in that case since it could lead to things like this? Had I published this fic last year, it would have been a sad, dated comment in retrospective readings. If I were to publish it tomorrow as is, it would be in bad taste. What if all of the Brangelina trouble turns out to be less extreme as it started come December (when this fic takes place) and our culture has shifted its views again? What if the trouble escalates and it gets worse? This is one of those unique, hard to predict, things about being a creator any sort of art that I wonder if there is even a right answer.

(no subject)

Every time I have to put myself out there in a reply, etc. I feel so drained and it always negatively affects my writing.

So of course the timing of it this time around is impeccable. I'm in the middle of finishing up my roommate's, Don't Think Just Write challenge where I try to write a multiple chapter story based on the crackiest idea I have on hand and feel inclined to just start writing and see where it goes and there's three chapters left and probably about 9,000 words the way it's going and the set up of the story so everything in my head right now is screaming over loudspeakers right next to my ears:


Because I know what I'm writing is objectively awful even as I write it, even as I subjectively enjoy the awfulness of it in my own weird way, because you know, when I don't think about things, my imagination tends to think it's permanently on acid or something. And I'm a little insecure at the moment that I shouldn't be wasting my time and that I should be focusing my efforts on finishing other things, and writing those things as well as I can. I don't know. I just, I wish my headpace wasn't such a downer. Maybe that's why it runs amok on acid when I let it go (I feel like there might be a Frozen reference in there somewhere if you squint), because it's so happy to be free it goes to the opposite extreme and lets me and everyone else know how strange I wish I could be openly... or something.

I think what I wish I could escape the most in all of this, what really holds me back, is the extreme feeling of inadequacy I carry around with me 24/7. Then maybe I could understand a little bit better how to respond appropriately or how to be me without feeling like everyone in the world is out to invalidate me when I am being me. I feel like somebody somewhere programmed my brain to believe that everyone is out to get me and the world and everyone in it can never ever be trusted. Ironically, I've tested above average on the theoretical empath scale so I don't know what that means. You'd think I would know better then, unless because I was in such a negative and toxic environment as a kid that all I internalized or ever felt from others was that negativity. Where's Charles Xavier when I need him?

Book Rec Request

x-posted from Tumblr.

With fall coming, I want to finds some new books to read.

So do any of my followers have any good/fave book recs published within the past 5 or so years? Preferably LGBT since I have a plethora of het books I still haven’t dented and could use more non-het recs.

Also preferably romance, even - or especially - cheesy romance. Basically, for those who have read my fics, that’s pretty much my preferred reading material too (lighthearted, domestic, sap, leans more toward vanilla than hardcore explicit or kinky, etc.). Not to say I mind if the romance books get, idk, steamy? Is that how we still describe romance novels these days? Erotic? Idk I’m so out of the loop with terminology. Lol. But I like soft, and/or cheesy, romance that I can just curl up in front of a fire and read and escape in, you know?

I’m also cool with other genres, or books that have a LGBT protagonist and romance isn’t the main focus. I’m not really fond of YA, but not pretentiously speaking (I mean kudos to the writers who genuinely love and want to foster the YA market regardless of the dirty term YA has become thanks to editors, and some writers, trying to capitalize on it). I just usually don’t typically make a connection with teenage characters in books (but do in film/television which is odd), but I’m always willing to give interesting sounding books a chance even with YA so feel free to rec it anyways if you love it!

Anyways, if you have a rec, thanks! I’ll look into it.

(no subject)

I wrote 2200 words of Forged With Blood, Forged With Fire yesterday. That's usually how much I write in one hour, I believe my max one time was writing 8000ish words in a little over an hour (do not recommend by the way), but this was 2200 words over the course of about 4 hours so believe me when I say it felt tedious and I had to keep telling myself to just write, let it happen, even if I don't like the result or decide the plot needs to be tweaked here or there accordingly later on.

Those 2200 tedious words were necessary and I'm glad I made myself muscle through them. Because now my juices for this fic are flowing more clearly, I can see the end nearing, and I have the motivation to get there one way or another rather than just putting it off until inspiration strikes.

In addition to yesterday's word count I've spent time brainstorming and outlining a way to get from where I'm currently at in the story to the end, even ended up coming up with a new bridgework (or filler lol) scene that I adore and would have been sad had the fic not had it, and have started writing some more today with a similar goal of at least 1500 words, but hopefully closer to 2000.

So I'm feeling good about it! I mean, not good. It's still convoluted as all get out and while I love bits and pieces of this new chapter and can't wait to get it finished for that reason, I'm still me and still 'meh' about most of my works when I get to this stage of the writing process. I just want it done and off my back and out there for the masses to do what they will with it for better or worse. In my head it's always for worse, but I don't know if that'll ever be helped.

I'm crossing my fingers that I can get it finished, edited and uploaded by the end of this weekend.

Hulk Is Where The Heart Is Picspam

So this post originally had commentary and I was working on it for about five hours off and on, but then LJ ate it or something so now here's just a bunch of random screencaps from Iron Man Issues 131-133 (which I call "Hulk Is Where The Heart Is" as that's the name of Issue 131). I have way more caps than this - and I might just post the whole three arcs at some point here and/or on Tumblr. But these are the ones I went with for now. Also got some icons I made at the bottom.

Just as a foreword since I'm not doing commentary, this arc is one of my most favorite of all time. It was and still is a formative arc for how I personally interpret this ship, the dynamic, and the characters individually. And for anyone following Arrhythmia, there's a few shoutouts to elements from these issues.

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I just remembered why I stopped posting entries here back in the day. The autosaved/draft fuction is abysmal. I just lost a very long post with pictures and commentary that I was working on for about 5 hrs on and off. This is off to a lovely start <_> My problem is I'm quite long-winded and can't devote a huge chunk of time to one post at once, or even always twice.